What's My Age Again?

I had a realization last night:


I am 31.

Of course, I already knew this. I celebrated my birthday(month) in October. I reminisced about turning 21 ten years ago and turning 30 last year. Intellectually, I know that I am 31.

But I don’t feel 31.

Somehow I thought that when I was in my 30s I would feel different – older, wiser, more mature. I had a picture of an adult who was calm and settled, who knew what she was doing with her life, who was already comfortably nestled into the place she could grow old in.

I am not that person.

Part of the reason I am not person is that I really am NOT that person. Calm is not an adjective that has ever been used to describe me. I am charismatic, vibrant, passionate, full of life and energy, but rarely ever calm. My version of peaceful is still filled with animation. And that is just fine, because that is who the Lord created me to be.

But the real reason I am not the “settled” person I envisioned as a child is because I believe God has spoken something different over my life. Multiple times on multiple occasions I have asked the Lord what my “calling” is.  What is the one passion I am to pursue above all others? And every time the answer has been the same, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.”

I don’t know my next step in life. I’m unsure whether I want to go back to school for another degree or get a job in ministry or just move to Atlanta. But, no matter what I do, my calling is determined. I am called to love the Lord my God with ALL of my heart and ALL of my soul and ALL of my strength. I am called to be completely surrendered to Him, to be His light in this world and to “bloom where I am planted.” I must hold everything else loosely. I must never get so comfortable that I am no longer living as a stranger in this land.

I might never feel my age. I might never be settled into one place. I might never have ambition as defined by society. But if that is the case, amen for it.